Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
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CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about