Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie