You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife