them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
*gets down on one knee*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
The Struggle
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
i choose….tongue
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.