walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
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In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way