My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
You Might Also Like
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
“i miss shittin on people”
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?