My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
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There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.