What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
How animals would run if they were human
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.