ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
This guy gets it.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars