My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
How do you like your Corgi?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.