Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk