[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
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MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Denise please return my vape pen
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.