So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
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what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.