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[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Can’t, holding a grudge
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account