Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
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It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Good morning y’all ☀️
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Cheer up.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…