Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
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I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Tony Hawk, age 6
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
An odd boast
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
what does he know…
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
necessity is the mother of invention
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
he’s doing your taxes
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?