if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Me too, bag. Me too….