i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
You Might Also Like
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage