Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
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i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.