The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
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Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!