You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
We like the way Dwight thinks
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”