How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
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I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…