Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
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Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Stop sending me this shit.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
*puts my mental health in rice
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!