Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
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Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My life in a nutshell
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
sry
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister