i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
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“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Haha! 😂
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
it’s the silliest best thing
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?