It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
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When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Tony Hawk, age 6
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys