Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
White Castle for the Win
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.