Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
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The news
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Investing in beetcoin
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
This woman is my idol. Free her.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.