[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.