After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden