“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
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Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.