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A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes