At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
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Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Solving a traffic jam
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess