[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.