snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
dutch is not a serious language
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Some people were born into their job.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way