So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
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Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.