Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.