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Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
when dads have a rap battle
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.