Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
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[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.