My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I think my mom just blocked me
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!