*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
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I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW