me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
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It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[eulogy]
line?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.