GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
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Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Breaking news:
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets