I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
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Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
smh
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.