I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
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Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.