When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
You Might Also Like
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Stop it! 😂
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
where do you see yourself in five years?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU