Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]