Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
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I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Dammit Chief not again
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.