[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
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They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
The point of your 20s
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom