Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
You Might Also Like
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
this FaceApp is creepy af
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex